Okay. I have to take a minute before mentioning the title of my latest viewing endeavor to still digest the fact that I did indeed watch this movie. Satan’s Cheerleaders. There it is. It’s all there. You know exactly what happens, and boy is it glorious. Not glorious in that stand-up-and-cheer kind of way, but more in a what?-how-did-this-seriously-get-made? kind of way. I still don’t know whether I love it or hate it. It is quite mind-bending, but here goes. It’s about these four slutty (and holy crap, do I really mean slutty) cheerleaders and their empty-headed (understatement) coach who, after dicking around the school for about a half hour of the movie, establishing little other than a bit of nudity and a key character of the creepy satanic janitor (who bears a striking resemblance to A. Wilford Brimley clad in a rhinestone laced denim shirt – nothing says Satan like rhinestones), finally try to go to this football game at a nearby rival town. Well, on the way, they’re run off the road (extremely unconvincingly) and they are forced to hitch. The janitor picks them up and he decides he wants these gals for himself. After some “satanic” (and I quote this very loosely, because it is really Satanism as interpreted by a blind, deaf, mute, retarded thirteen-year-old with severe brain trauma and Attention Deficit Disorder) business, they escape, but only into the hands of local sheriff B.L. Bubb (holy crap, what a revelation!) and they are subjected to more “Satanism.” After about an hour of that, it ends.
What this movie does really well is suck. It succeeds in the suck department in spades. With little plot to speak of (I can’t believe I got a paragraph out of it), the movie is really fodder for truly unconvincing everything, awful, strained, staid dialogue, and a little bit of skin for good measure. When I say the dialogue is horrendous, I do not put this lightly. This script should be ashamed it was made. It should have had an It’s A Wonderful Life type revelation, except it realizes that the world would truly be a better place if it floated down river where no one could see or hear from it ever again. But having said that, it’s quite enjoyable. What makes it enjoyable is its utter lack of keeping any consistent mood, quality, or plot. The characters joke and jeer with wise-cracking in-jokes that are as unfunny as the worst portions of The Chevy Chase Show and it tries so desperately hard to be both witty and scary that it is almost pitiful. There are so many plot points and characters that are unnecessary and unexplained; the film could really be cut down to be about a half hour from its hour and a half runtime. There’s this big rivalry established at the beginning between the two schools which has absolutely no effect on the events involving Satanism (which is presumably what the movie is about) and no one ever sees any of the six (SIX!?!) characters that pop up in the beginning and leave and have no point. It’s mind-boggling.
Because it would take so long to go over how wrong this movie is, I won’t even try, but I will provide the breakdown: There is about as much blood in this movie as you would get out for blood work, John Carradine gets top billing for his hobo cameo, and you can tell that Yvonne De Carlo is clearly on her last acting legs and is merely in it for the money. There is every joke has to be repeated with little variance between the four main actresses action, there is every-girl-has-her-name-on-her-chest action, A-Wilford-Brimley-lookalike-never-dying action, stupid-as-hell-named-character action (see Sheriff B.L. Bubb if you were wondering), groaning at the screen at every awful pun action, extended running scenes that lead nowhere action, and the worst twist ending in the history of twist endings (M. Night excluded here) action. If you want to feel smart, watch this movie. If you want to feel entertained, maybe watch this movie, but be wary that your brain might slide out of your head halfway through it. Three and a half stars. Give it a shot if you’re down for an experience, though it’s hard to say what kind of experience it is.
